One week from today I will be preparing to go back to work after 12 amazing weeks of maternity leave with my Lucy James. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't dreading it. As much as I enjoy my job and love the people I work with, I'm just not ready. I've spent every day (all day in fact except for two days when we had weddings to attend) with her and the thought of spending 10 hours away from her for 5 days a week completely depresses me. (Seriously, I'm trying not to cry as I type this.) As silly as it sounds I feel like I'm never going to see her except for the weekends. She's been sleeping so great that she sleeps until 8am now. Meaning she will be snoozing when I get up and get ready for work, and I won't get to see my girl who is always so happy and sweet in the morning. Granted I'll get to see her when I get home at 5:30, but I know the nights will fly. So I'm vowing to myself to make the best of those hours. Enjoy nursing her, laugh with her while she gets her bath, read as many books to her as we have time for, catch up on missed tummy time, and snuggle her until she falls asleep.
There are so many things I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss pulling her into bed with me after feeding her first thing in the morning and snuggling her as we both fall back to sleep for another hour. I'm going to miss how she talks to "her" bugs on her activity mat while I make myself breakfast, and "her" turtles on her swing while I make myself lunch. I'm going to miss being able to nurse her all day and how sweet she is when she falls asleep on my chest with a full belly. I'm going to miss the way I catch her just looking at me and smiling when I'm answering an email or doing something where my attention isn't 100% on her for that moment. She doesn't get mad or fussy, she just watches me and smiles. Most of all I'm afraid I'm really going to miss something. Something big, like the first time she pushes herself up, or when she discovers her hands and feet. Or the first time she can sit up on her own, or grabs something intentionally, or eventually the first time she crawls.
I know going back to work is part of the gig of being a working mom. And it's something that I need to do right now in order to take care of her and give her everything I feel she needs and more. We are really fortunate to be able to avoid daycare. My mom and Jordan's mom are each taking care of her one day a week, and Jordan is writing his schedule to be home the other days while I am at work. It will be a sacrifice for us all meaning that he will be working more nights and weekends than we are used to. But it's more than worth it to make sure Lucy is taken care of the way we want her to be when I go back to work.
I just hope she doesn't think that I left her when I go away for 10 hours every day. And I hope that she knows I'll always come back home to her at the end of the day. As long as she is happy and it doesn't affect her, I'm willing to make the sacrifice of being the blubbering mommy when I leave for work everyday. I just hope my coworkers are ready to deal with me for the first few weeks.
Regardless, nothing will make it ok for be to be away from this silly face all day.
Ok, this is starting to get more depressing than I intended.
I need to end this now before I start crying here on the couch and Jordan thinks I'm crazy.
I can imagine that it's hard, and it's definitely something that many mothers have to go through. My best friend just had to go back to work after 10 months home with her baby boy and it broke her heart, but she has said that it has gotten easier. It will just take time, Jessica. Like you said, enjoy the week that you have left home with her :)
ReplyDeleteI cried when I got to the part about her thinking you left her and won't come back. :( You are lucky that you have an opportunity to leave her with your mom and mother-in-law, though. It will be one less thing to worry about and they will form a bond unlike any other and that is a great gift for you to give your beautiful babe. Good luck with everything.
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